Relic guitar and monkey balls

Relic guitar is a peculiar phenomenon. You would think only enthusiastic collectors and fanboys/girls would embrace the idea. Owning the exact copy of some big name guy’s guitar or bass as a trophy, that’s something, hey? Well, my n00bie friend, it isn’t. But it’s not really about just that. Because for a while now, the generic relic guitar can be found in guitar stores as well. Then there’s a DIY relic guitar movement as well. I’m going to reveal their relationship with the above mentioned monkey balls right away. They suck them. But why?

Relic guitar and monkey balls – they are related

The story: Most guitars receive battle scars. Eventually. The ones that do, usually earn those dings and chips and scratches during a rather long period of time. Lots of gigs. Or at least some serious bedroom bashing. That means old guitars tell you a story. A relic guitar tells you a story as well. This story is about a short, angry bloke who’s hit, kicked, sanded and burned and copulated the living crap out of it. Your guitar. Ever wondered about that tiny hole in the rear edge? And let me tell you, he enjoyed every little moment. He also got paid for it. That probably helped.

relic guitarIt’s all about the pull: A regular guitar gets pulled out of its case. At least once every blue moon. A relic guitar gets pulled behind a truck. If it’s lucky.

Show off: Some people have this idea that showing up with a properly bashed up relic guitar will make them look cooler. And indeed, they end up looking cool. At least as cool as a garbage can. With the same relic guitar thrown into it. It’s all about the shades and the hat anyway. And the grin.

Pure cream: “Dude, listen to this creamy, full tone coming from these vintage weakened pickups!” Sure dude. It’s the same kind of creamy stuff that’s left your rectum in the morning.

Fake: Do you remember those kids who always tried to act and look older than their age? Just to fail miserably. A relic guitar is kinda like those. A relic guitar is a fake adulthood.

Relic guitar and monkey balls – they are related

Excuse: “But I like that it feels played in, and I don’t have to worry about the dings.” Sure. But it also looks like crap. You had a chance to try and preserve a guitar “like new”. Don’t worry, it’s gone now. Now let me kick your car apart.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *