Jazz snob – can you spot one?
The jazz snob is a special creature. If you have a great general sense for the human species, that’s good news. It means you probably have a higher chance to spot a jazz snob. For they might be hiding from you. Don’t be surprised by that. Jazz has become a so called underground genre. Its savior, the jazz snob needs to be sure that he’s in the right environment, before he starts pouring his knowledge down on you. And trust me, he has plenty of material. So how to spot a jazz snob?
The jazz snob
Not every music genre was created to be equal: Yeah. And that’s putting it very, very politely. For the jazz snob, there’s only one kind of music worth listening to. You guessed right, it’s jazz. Duh.
If it doesn’t swing, forget it: There might be genres that are officially labeled as jazz. For the jazz snob, this doesn’t mean shit. If it’s latin, Hawaiian or heaven forbid, country or rock influenced, no dice. It can only be something close at best. Straight timings and blues shuffles are forbidden as well.
Just because it’s improvised, it doesn’t automatically mean it’s jazz: No matter how many “out notes” does a musician play during a solo. If he’s dressed in anything else but a suit, that’s bad news. People playing solid body guitars, synthesizers, dreadnoughts or other kind of acoustic flattops are disqualified immediately. Bass guitars and their players can burn in hell. Jaco who?
If you can’t read, you’re just a wannabe: No matter if you meet all the above points. If you can’t read music at a professional level, you’re a sad outsider. Period. Bye-bye, Wes Montgomery.
Theory above all: So you want to fool the jazz snob? No problem. Play some random shit with complete abandon, and a smile on your face. You’ll be written off as a n00b. Now play the same random shit with a straight face, then support it with some endless music theory gibberish. Bam, you’re a jazz genius.
You are not supposed to enjoy it ya know: If the jazz snob detects any kind of enjoyment and fun present in your music, you’re out of the game.
No chord extensions, no jazz: Play any straight major or minor triads. Or play double stops. Get chased out of the world by a shotgun.
The jazz snob
Arrogance, arrogance, arrogance: Nuff said. Thank you, Mr. Jazz Snob.
