A guide to not get lost in the world of audio industry

Here’s a little guide of the audio universe. Just in case you weren’t sure who these guys were in the world of music business.

Bluegrass guitarist: an apple cheeked guy with a Martin dreadnought glued to his tummy. His pick of choice is a thick piece of fossilized Appalachian mammoth penis. His fretting hand is stuck in a peculiar position, allowing him to grip only open position G, C and D major chords. He strums these chords heavily, for 60 seconds each, before starting the sequence over again. The banjo player shoots him down at the end of the tune.

Jazzers and bass don’t mix too well

Jazz bassist: this guy usually shows up with an upright that’s at least twice his size. He’s the one who can only play the same two long notes safely. These two notes happen to be open strings, so he’s only barely out of tune. Good thing he can rarely be heard. If he arrives with a bass guitar, it’s always a noisy, beat up jazz bass with a de-fretted fingerboard, DIY style. He plays strictly fingerstyle, right over the bridge pickup. This way he can prevent the production of any significant amount of bass frequencies, so he can get in the way of his band mates at will.

Jazz guitarist: a sharply dressed, bald guy with an archtop, hollowbody guitar. It’s equipped with a single neck pickup, and heavy flatwound strings that save him not only from being able to bend strings, but from proper fretting as well. He refuses to play with anything but the rounded edge of a Dunlop Jazz III pick. If he accidentally stumbles upon open strings or open position major/minor chords, he quickly releases a series of random notes, trying to misguide the cruel members of jazz police sitting in the audience. The gypsy jazz version plays a Selmer-Maccaferri style guitar designed to successfully produce the frequency range of an abandoned barn door. He plays with a large, round pebble. For fun, he calls it a “pick”.

Producer: an alarmingly underage kid in an oversize baseball hat, wearing large shades, with his anemic body covered in large fake gold chains. He’s the star of our little guide. He frequently forms peculiar sentences consisting of the two words “Yo Swag”. He just installed a DAW and some cracked plug-ins on his computer, hoping he can start making beats soon, right after he finished giving out professional advices on audio engineering forums.

You gotta like ’em vocalists – if you are forced to

Singer: a highly extroverted, very talkative douche (MBTI type: ENFP) sporting a completely shot voice, who walks around with a microphone in hand 24/7. She’s the only person in the band who cannot possibly manage to hit a note if her life depended on it.

We might continue this shit sometime later. Or not. Don’t be shocked.